Home - Asking for What You Want

HomeMarcia Baczynski2021-08-25T09:23:11-07:00

Practical tools for extraordinary relationships.

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

This is the quick-n-dirty reference to what’s happening this week on Asking For What You Want.

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Flowers from this weekend 🌸

Flowers from this weekend 🌸

Don't mind me... I'll be over here cracking up til

Don't mind me... I'll be over here cracking up til the end of the day. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#trauma #traumatherapy #vagusnerve #thebodykeepsthescore

Photo dump of last week’s trip to the redwoods.

Photo dump of last week’s trip to the redwoods. Happy Friday. 🌲❤️😀

There are a million ways you may have been taught

There are a million ways you may have been taught that pleasure was bad, wrong or forbidden, but the fact of the matter is that we are wired for it. Literally. We have millions of nerve endings dedicated to picking up information about what feels good (as well as steering us away from what feels bad.) We knew how to explore pleasure before we could talk. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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As for fantasies, that's exactly what they are: Fantasies! What goes on inside your head is *entirely* your business and no one else's (unless you choose to share and they agree to listen). So have fun imagining what turns you on, daydreaming about being ravished, getting steamy for role play, or thinking about getting busy with the hottie sitting next to you. Even if it's naughty, degrading or taboo... it's all good. It's YOURS to love and no one else's to judge.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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What helped you to explore pleasure or let go of shame?

We got the book proofs! Today is a close edit. Get

We got the book proofs! Today is a close edit. Getting soooooo close to a real book!!

I got to pet a dog today! #dogsofinstagram #notmyd

I got to pet a dog today! #dogsofinstagram #notmydog

This is another #permissionslip I wrote a long tim

This is another #permissionslip I wrote a long time ago for a student. I think it's fantastic!
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I've never hired a stylist, but I have taken classes and made time to learn about style. A lot of people might say that it's shallow or frivolous, but who cares? Lots of stuff is unimportant in the scheme of things but still worth doing. Furthermore, a lot of things that are coded as “feminine” get this labeling. Fuck those sexist voices that get stuck in your head! A stylist is no more frivolous or shallow than, say, craft beer or trucks (although it's a good bit less expensive than the latter.)
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Feeling good in your body and having a style that reflects who you are and how you perceive yourself to be can make you feel like a million bucks. And it’s a skill that not everyone wants to develop on their own. These are good reasons to hire a professional to help. But who needs a "good" reason? If hiring a stylist (or any of a thousand other "lady" activities) is something you want, you have permission to do that.
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As for the voices in your head that tell you it's [frivolous/shallow/expensive/fill in the blank]? Look askance at them and say "whose voice is that anyway? Cuz it ain't MINE."
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What "shallow" things did you have to work to allow yourself to do? What do you want permission for?

This year has produced a bumper crop of books talk

This year has produced a bumper crop of books talking about my work in the world: consent, communication, and cuddling. I just got my hands on @melissafebos’ Girlhood and I cannot wait to dig into it. She wrote a terrific article a few months ago for @nytmag about her experiences at @officialcuddleparty. @jlythcotthaims book Your Turn is a wonderfully comprehensive and reassuring manual on #adulting. I wish I’d had this book in my 20s and 30s. And of course, @thewheelofconsent book by Dr Betty Martin is near and dear to me, as working with the wheel has profoundly changed how I live and work over the past decade-plus. It feels so good knowing these books are out there, and that people are learning in different ways that they don’t have to endure unwanted touch, that they can say No, that their preferences matter and that others have been there too. (My own book, Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, will be out in January!) So so so grateful!

Another one of my favorites, written for a client

Another one of my favorites, written for a client of mine. I too held off on dancing for years because I was pretty sure everyone else there would be better than me and cooler than me. But here's the thing: dancing is FUN. It’s now one of my favorite things to do! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Go take the class. Who cares what everyone else is doing. Have fun! :)

Friendships change. Relationships change. People c

Friendships change. Relationships change. People change.
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You don't have to have a big rupture or fight to shift how you relate to someone.
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You don't always have the capacity to show up in all of your relationships the way you want to, and that's okay. Sometimes a relationship can pull more from you than you have to give. Or you need to protect your energy for any of a million reasons.
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You can love people from a distance. You can create space "for now" or "for forever." You can answer every other call instead of every call.
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You're allowed.

This week my partner and I took off on a little #v

This week my partner and I took off on a little #vanlife adventure up the #oregoncoast and it has been fun, exhausting, wonderful and magical. Also a few scary moments. More about those in a future post. Let’s talk about set-up! I’ve been nerding out about car-camping since the fires last fall. Something about being prepared for recreation AND emergencies is super appealing to me. We are using my partner’s janky-but-reliable Toyota Sienna, and let me tell ya, this van can do anything. We set up the bed on four 24”x36” heavy-duty storage shelves, with the legs zip-tied together. The mattress is a 4” tri-fold foam Milliard and it’s super-comfy. With the shelves, we can’t sit up fully in bed, but there is so much storage space underneath, and it’s nice to not have to make up the bed every night. Solar panel is a 120 watt Bluetti, which plugs into a 300-watt, 500wh battery, which runs our fridge and other power needs. (More on that later). This is our first longer run out and aside from a few adjustments, it’s working out extremely well! I’ll post more later… let me know if you have questions. Researching this has been my hobby for the past year, and I’m happy to share what I’ve learned! #carcamping and #vancamping are THE BEST way to #roadtrip as far as I’m concerned! 😍🚙🌲

You don't have to be good at everything. You can d

You don't have to be good at everything. You can do things just because you enjoy them. You don't have to keep up with the latest thing. You can do a "good enough" job. There are far worse things than being middle-of-the-road or even bad at something.
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Perfectionism stops a lot of us from doing, being, having and feeling what we long for the most. Take the permission you need today.
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What would you do if you didn't have to be good at it?

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