Home - Asking for What You Want

HomeMarcia Baczynski2021-08-25T09:23:11-07:00

Practical tools for extraordinary relationships.

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

This is the quick-n-dirty reference to what’s happening this week on Asking For What You Want.

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#nationalcomingoutday Art by @beeillustrates

#nationalcomingoutday Art by @beeillustrates

Death in the family. Adulting on hard mode.

Death in the family. Adulting on hard mode.

Heavy news this week. Not gonna be online much the

Heavy news this week. Not gonna be online much these next two weeks. Send cute shit.

Let the record show: I do not care if you gained w

Let the record show: I do not care if you gained weight during the pandemic. Or at any time really. I am just glad you are here.
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I gained weight too! The Kummerspeck is real. (Do you know this excellent German word? It literally translates to "grief bacon" and refers to weight gained from emotional eating. I *love* this word.)
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I mean… my mom was in the hospital for four months. Then she died 6 months before the panini had us on lockdown. Good reasons for gaining weight. JUSTIFICATIONS, even.
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But also? WHO CARES! You don't need to justify your weight to anyone. And neither do I. We are here. We made it. Your body coping how it copes ain't nobody's business but yours. It changes, it does its thing, and you don't owe anybody a number on a scale.
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#askingforwhatyouwant #permissionslip #permissiongranted #dietculturedropout #goodgirlrecovery

Flowers from this weekend 🌸

Flowers from this weekend 🌸

Don't mind me... I'll be over here cracking up til

Don't mind me... I'll be over here cracking up til the end of the day. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#trauma #traumatherapy #vagusnerve #thebodykeepsthescore

Photo dump of last week’s trip to the redwoods.

Photo dump of last week’s trip to the redwoods. Happy Friday. 🌲❤️😀

There are a million ways you may have been taught

There are a million ways you may have been taught that pleasure was bad, wrong or forbidden, but the fact of the matter is that we are wired for it. Literally. We have millions of nerve endings dedicated to picking up information about what feels good (as well as steering us away from what feels bad.) We knew how to explore pleasure before we could talk. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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As for fantasies, that's exactly what they are: Fantasies! What goes on inside your head is *entirely* your business and no one else's (unless you choose to share and they agree to listen). So have fun imagining what turns you on, daydreaming about being ravished, getting steamy for role play, or thinking about getting busy with the hottie sitting next to you. Even if it's naughty, degrading or taboo... it's all good. It's YOURS to love and no one else's to judge.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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What helped you to explore pleasure or let go of shame?

We got the book proofs! Today is a close edit. Get

We got the book proofs! Today is a close edit. Getting soooooo close to a real book!!

I got to pet a dog today! #dogsofinstagram #notmyd

I got to pet a dog today! #dogsofinstagram #notmydog

This is another #permissionslip I wrote a long tim

This is another #permissionslip I wrote a long time ago for a student. I think it's fantastic!
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I've never hired a stylist, but I have taken classes and made time to learn about style. A lot of people might say that it's shallow or frivolous, but who cares? Lots of stuff is unimportant in the scheme of things but still worth doing. Furthermore, a lot of things that are coded as “feminine” get this labeling. Fuck those sexist voices that get stuck in your head! A stylist is no more frivolous or shallow than, say, craft beer or trucks (although it's a good bit less expensive than the latter.)
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Feeling good in your body and having a style that reflects who you are and how you perceive yourself to be can make you feel like a million bucks. And it’s a skill that not everyone wants to develop on their own. These are good reasons to hire a professional to help. But who needs a "good" reason? If hiring a stylist (or any of a thousand other "lady" activities) is something you want, you have permission to do that.
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As for the voices in your head that tell you it's [frivolous/shallow/expensive/fill in the blank]? Look askance at them and say "whose voice is that anyway? Cuz it ain't MINE."
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What "shallow" things did you have to work to allow yourself to do? What do you want permission for?

This year has produced a bumper crop of books talk

This year has produced a bumper crop of books talking about my work in the world: consent, communication, and cuddling. I just got my hands on @melissafebos’ Girlhood and I cannot wait to dig into it. She wrote a terrific article a few months ago for @nytmag about her experiences at @officialcuddleparty. @jlythcotthaims book Your Turn is a wonderfully comprehensive and reassuring manual on #adulting. I wish I’d had this book in my 20s and 30s. And of course, @thewheelofconsent book by Dr Betty Martin is near and dear to me, as working with the wheel has profoundly changed how I live and work over the past decade-plus. It feels so good knowing these books are out there, and that people are learning in different ways that they don’t have to endure unwanted touch, that they can say No, that their preferences matter and that others have been there too. (My own book, Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, will be out in January!) So so so grateful!

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