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Practical tools for extraordinary relationships.

HomeMarcia Baczynski2021-03-22T12:10:31-07:00

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

This is the quick-n-dirty reference to what’s happening this week on Asking For What You Want.

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Oh hai San Francisco! I’m finally getting back

Oh hai San Francisco! I’m finally getting back in my groove with long walks, and I gotta say, the wildflowers help immensely, as do the views.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that you can chang

Sometimes it's hard to remember that you can change your mind about your boundaries from a yes to a no, or a no to a yes anytime.
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But you can.
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Not only that, it's NORMAL for your boundaries to shift and change. Time, context and experience all can influence where your boundaries are.
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It can be damaging to try to maintain a boundary that isn't true for you anymore. It can be extra-damaging to pretend a boundary doesn't exist when it does.
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You (and the people around you) all get to change your minds. In fact, it's crucial.
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Wanna learn more about boundaries? Check out my Better Boundaries Crash Course (link in bio.)

I haven't had this much hair since high school, an

I haven't had this much hair since high school, and I fully intend to cut it off as soon as my pod feels it's safe to go get haircuts. But in the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy these curls.
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When did you last get your hair cut?

A reminder that it's not a sign of you being "not

A reminder that it's not a sign of you being "not open to things" if you choose to go slow in a new area of experience. Going slow, paying attention, noticing what feels right and what feels off... these are key skills for building boundaries.
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It's normal not to know what's okay with you when you're new to something. Take your time. It doesn't mean you're "uncool."
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(BTW, If someone is rushing me through an experience (ESPECIALLY about my body), I usually consider that a yellow flag about whether they are concerned for my wellbeing. If they're implying I'm somehow "less than" for taking my time, I consider that a red flag. Feel free to steal this guideline if it works for you!)

Which way does the "bird" go? I will never ever ev

Which way does the "bird" go? I will never ever ever get tired of these. I used to have some of these in front of my house. Now I have to go out looking for them and they're always a treat to find. #birdsofparadise

Let's talk about BOUNDARIES. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Let's talk about BOUNDARIES.
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There's so much to say (I made a downloadable class on it -- see link in bio.)
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It's normal not to know exactly what your boundaries are at first. It takes practice and experience to be able to tell what works for you and what doesn't, what's good for you and what isn't.
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It can be tempting to think you should "just know," but in my experience, it takes noticing and valuing the subtle information of "that feels good" and "that doesn't."
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In other words, it takes practice. And that's okay.

Checking in is NOT saying "Is this okay?"
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I hate that question!!!!
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But there are ways to find out where your partner is at, what would make it better and what they need that are Hot. As. Hell.
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Check out the "Field Guide to Consent" in my bio -- it’s free and there's a whole audio section where you can learn how to use your voice to steam things up during a check in!
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(You can try it this weekend.)

This is a great question to ask in an intimate mom

This is a great question to ask in an intimate moment, if your partner gets a little distant, or dreamy, or disassociated. A lot of people have a hard time staying present or connected when the intimacy is ramped up... it can happen for lots of reasons. Anything from “life being too much at the moment,” to sensory processing issues, to trauma stuff being activated, to just not knowing how.
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It’s not a personal failing or a sign of a bigger problem if one or both of you needs to take a break or do something else. It happens. You can reconnect later or in a different way that feels more accessible to you both.

Oh weird Bay Area flowers I love you so. From to

Oh weird Bay Area flowers I love you so. From today’s walk.

Consent is about so much more than getting permiss

Consent is about so much more than getting permission. Check-ins, re-evaluation, boundaries, throwing new ideas on the table, being able to hear a no, creativity and caring about one another's experience all go into a great experience and foster our ability to create fun agreements.
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And it can be fun! Silly, sexy, playful agreements create a foundation of an excellent good time with one another.
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Check out my free "Field Guide to Consent" for tips on how to do this (and mis-steps to avoid!) Link in bio.
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What's the best thing you've learned about consent?

I haven’t been getting out to walk as much as I’d like to lately. Some combination of preoccupation with work, a newfound low-key agoraphobia, and just straight up not feeling it. Of course, every time I do, I’m so happy I did. How do you break that cycle? Anyway here’s a cool plant from my last walk.

When one category of person is supposed to pursue,

When one category of person is supposed to pursue, and another category of person is supposed to gatekeep, we all lose out.
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Saying what you want is vulnerable.
Not being allowed to want is depressing.
Playing an exclusive, socially-mandated role of pursuing or gatekeeping is exhausting.
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I say a LOT more about this in my free Field Guide to Consent. You can download it at the link in my bio.
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Because we all deserve better.

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