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Practical tools for extraordinary relationships.

HomeMarcia Baczynski2021-06-01T16:09:23-07:00

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

This is the quick-n-dirty reference to what’s happening this week on Asking For What You Want.

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oh hi! I'm back! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I wr

oh hi! I'm back!
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I wrote you a bunch of stuff while I was gone. This one is about how to jumpstart your joy for post-pandemic survival. I think it’s pretty good.
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If you find it helpful, please share! Link in bio 😘

Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a couple weeks off f

Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a couple weeks off from IG to do some thinking, dreaming and more writing. Gonna delete the app and everything. This week is the thinking and dreaming... next week I'm headed to the mountains for a little writing retreat in advance of re-launching my blog.
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Tell me: What do you want me to write about on the subjects of boundaries, asking for what you want, desire, feelings or needs? Should I write about how to not be needy? Or how to tell your partner you are bisexual? Should I write about how to figure out what you want? Or how to listen to your gut?
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I wanna know! DM me or drop your suggestions in the comments!👇👇👇

Tonight: Let’s talk about pandemic grief, naviga

Tonight: Let’s talk about pandemic grief, navigating boundaries, respecting your own needs and clarifying your priorities in a shifting, half-vaxxed world.
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Link in bio. 😷😘

It can be hard as hell to know what you want socia

It can be hard as hell to know what you want socially right now. As the world opens back up, parties, hookups, even going out for a cup of coffee seems unusually fraught.
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Usually, we can look to what others are doing and get a sense of what our options are and what might be a good idea for us. But with so much changing so fast, and wildly different expectations of what's "normal" and "okay," figuring out what you want and what your boundaries are is extra-challenging right now.
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Some things to ask yourself when considering how to re-engage with others:
* How does this invitation feel in my body?
* What specific concerns do I have?
* What if I didn't need a pandemic to say no to this?
* What do I need in order to feel confident saying yes to this?
* If there was no rush, what would I choose?
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Take all the time you need. 💖

R.E.M's "It's the End of the World As We Know It"

R.E.M's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" has been running on repeat in my brain for the past year. The song lyrics say "And I feel fiiiiiiiine..." but I kept singing it this way.
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"I don't feel fine."
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We are not out of the woods yet with COVID-19, but the world is quickly changing around us. If you're feeling kind of topsy-turvy about it, you're not alone.
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Let's talk about it. Join me on May 20th. http://learn.askingforwhatyouwant.com

It doesn't have to be a big sit-down conversation.

It doesn't have to be a big sit-down conversation. It doesn't have to lead to anything more.
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You can mention it in passing.
You can journal about it.
You can tell your friends about it.
You can write a story about it.
You can share with your imaginary friend.
You can write a letter.
You can make a Tiktok.
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Putting what you find hot into words is a skill. It's easier to practice casually as you move through your life than it is to wait until you are on the receiving end of a question. Let the words roll over your tongue. Practice owning what you find hot.
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Notice it, value it, talk about it. PS - If you want tips and practices to make this easier, join me on Sunday! http://learn.askingforwhatyouwant.com

Censorship sucks. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The

Censorship sucks.
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There's so much I want to talk about On Here, but the Instagods don't like it.
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There's so much tap dancing and run-around my colleagues and I go through just to talk about basic human things on this app, and it makes me sad.
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Remember you're allowed to be into stuff that Zucc isn't, and your desires don’t have to be tidy or respectable.

People often confuse what they like with what they

People often confuse what they like with what they want. They think, "If only I knew what I want, then things would be easier."
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But what you like and what you want are not the same.
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🥰 You figure out things you like over time, from trial and error. Eventually you can make a list of them. Knowing what you like is a useful thing! But your likes are kind of an intellectual thing. It evolves as your interests change. The process of figuring out what you like helps you notice preferences and patterns over time.
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🔥Your desires, on the other hand, are context-specific, and occur in the moment. They may be as obvious as a hot-burning fire, or as subtle as a whisper across a field. It's less about *knowing* what you want, and more about learning how to look, listen and feel into the clues that tell you that you want something. Can you feel the flicker or pull of a desire?
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🍣I LIKE chocolate cake and sushi (YUM!), but that doesn't mean I WANT it for dinner. You know?
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(I'll be going into this in a lot more detail in Sunday's class, "Bedroom Communication for Everybody." It's recorded and will be available within 24 hours if you can't make it live.) Thoughts?

There are a lot of new folks here and so I wanted

There are a lot of new folks here and so I wanted to say hi and introduce myself.
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My name is Marcia B (she/her). Here are a few things about me:
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💖 I am a speaker, writer + coach on communication, relationships and women’s empowerment. My primary mission is to help people to overcome shame and get in touch with what they truly want – romantically, secksually and relationally – even if it’s off the beaten path.
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🏳️‍🌈 I am a queer, bisexual femme and an auntie to four great kiddos. I've been practicing consensual non-monogamy and polyamory in various forms since 1999. (Which makes me ancient on the Internet!) My relationships involve a large chosen family, a deep questioning + redefining of default romantic, sexual and relationship structures and a lot of ease and joy. Gender is complicated and sometimes painful, but gender-creativity across the board is a source of joy for me.
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🐶 I like hiking, sailing and any time I can get on a beach. Other people's dogs are also happy-making and I name every one I see.
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📚 I am the co-founder of @officialcuddleparty and the author of the forthcoming "Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators," out in January. This month I'm leading two workshops: "Bedroom Communication for Everybody" and "It's the End of the Pandemic (As We Know It)... And I Don't Feel Fine."
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👯 I work with clients one-on-one to help them discover what they want and how to ask for it in their romantic, personal and professional lives. Topics often include bedroom communication, healthy boundaries, consent culture + practices, intentional + alternative relationships, polyamory, bodily autonomy, pleasure, LGBTQ issues, and finding your right people.
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😁 You can find out more about my classes & coaching at the link in my bio. I'm glad you're here!

"Is this okay?" is one of my least favorite check-

"Is this okay?" is one of my least favorite check-in questions.
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Why? Because “Okay” is a really, really low standard to hold your relationships and s🌺x life to.
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If you’re asking if thing are okay, and your partner says yes, then over time you have an … okay relationship. And an okay s🌺x life.
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You deserve better than this. So does your partner.
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A whole lot better than this.
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Most couples have never taken the time to talk about how they want their relationship or sex life to be. What if the standard was pleasurable, or enjoyable, or fun, or good? What if you made a game of finding things that rocked one another’s world, instead of aiming for okay?
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(PS - That's just some of what we'll be talking about in Bedroom Communication for Everyone on May 16th. Link in bio for details!)

Join me May 16th! https://learn.askingforwhatyouw

Join me May 16th! https://learn.askingforwhatyouwant.com/p/bedroom-communication-for-everyone

Things are complicated right now, y'all.
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On the one hand: It's spring in the northern hemisphere, vaccinations are happening, we can start to (cautiously) see friends again, we can start to make some plans that don't feel like they'll be railroaded in 20 minutes.
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On the other hand: The pandemic is not over. The death toll in India is horrifying. Vaccines are not being distributed evenly. Police violence against Black people has not stopped. Things are still really difficult in many ways.
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Add to that: When things finally start to feel easier, after a long time of being challenging (or outright *traumatic*), it's common for all the feelings you weren't feeling at the time to bubble up and boil over.
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It might feel really confusing that "things are getting better" means suddenly you're angry all the time, or can't stop crying, or don't want to leave the house. You might feel baffled that you've been looking forward to this being over, but now find yourself anxious about things going back to normal.
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We live in strange times, y'all.
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I don't have an answer for it, or a magic wand to make it go away. But I do know that it's okay if your feelings don't really make sense right now. And you are not alone in that. How are you feeling these days?

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